“Tell me your problems.”
That’s not actually how it begins. I don’t encourage people to talk to me when they feel troubled. There is no sign on my desk that reads, “Can I help you?” My voicemail doesn’t instruct callers to press “1” to commiserate. In fact, my usually stoic expression should convey the opposite impression.
But it doesn’t.
Maybe it’s my calm demeanor, my nods of understanding as I listen, or the fact that I always precede my advice with “I suggest” that prompts people to confide in me. It could be one or all of these things, but I don’t know because I’ve never asked.
And so I listen and soak it all in.
I’m not applying for sainthood by telling you this, so there’s no need to picture me with outstretched arms and nails piercing my palms. This is not a tale of woe where I complain about being the “go to guy” for peace of mind or counsel. I’m writing this because I’m trying to understand the dynamic.
While I can be a good listener, I’m not one who placates the speaker. My aim is not to appease, rather it is to separate what is important from what is not; to take emotions out of the equation; and to put things in perspective. I’ve found that our emotional responses to conflict always make things seem worse than they actually are. The perceived slight becomes the focus of our attention, so the action taken that feels good today may not serve us well tomorrow. The outcome may be totally predictable if only we force ourselves to take a moment to consider. If we negotiate when we are angry, we will undoubtedly leave the better deal on the table.
Often, the other person will walk away from our talk feeling better, but something strange happens to me. Even though the problems that I have just listened to are not mine, I’m left with the same feeling of apprehension as if they were.
It’s as if I’m a sponge that sops up the bad vibes.
Thoughts of the other person’s conflicts whirl around in my head and wrestle with my own thoughts for my attention.
It’s very disconcerting.
In the end, I have to remind myself of the advice that I often give to others. We should expend our energy on only those things that we can influence. Worrying about what another person thinks, does, or doesn’t do is impractical and a huge waste of time. Worse, it can distract us from addressing the things that we can have an effect on.
It feels good to know that I help people make rational decisions. It feels good to be trusted. It feels good to be considered wise. I only wish that I could accomplish these things without ending up feeling exhausted.
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Are you a good listener?
How comfortable are you with listening to other people’s problems?
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Author Bio:
Ray Colon has written 136 posts on Ray's Blog.
He works with numbers for a living, but don't judge - boring accountants need love too. His blog has no niche (unless writing about things that are important to him is a niche). Some folks cringe when he gets “all political” on them, but he does it anyway when he's in that kind of mood. Sometimes, he writes something nice about someone, but you shouldn't get used to that. His first book, the one he hasn't written yet, is not available on Amazon. Subscribe to Ray's Blog via RSS or Email.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen! I have the same problem. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people want to tell me everything but they do. Like you, it’s flattering but can be very exhausting. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and the trust others have in me can feel paralyzing. A friend recently told me that I make people feel at ease. I had no idea! Most of the time people just want me to listen and not necessarily solve their problems. It doesn’t make it any easier though.
I like how you said that when you take emotion out of it the solutions are easy to see. That’s the nice thing about having an outside perspective. Although when I ask for advice people are strangely silent. That can be disconcerting when all I need is help to see the situation objectively and take the emotion out of it.
Great post! Now I will try to rewrite my response to your comment on my blog. Stupid technology!
Hi Tristan,
Yes, the listening is the major part. I don’t know if people expect me to have solutions, but I offer then anyway. I’m a pragmatist at heart, so I naturally look at facts rather than feelings. That’s not always viewed as a plus though, as a handful of people have accused me of being cold because I look at problems this way. On the whole, I continue to believe that a detached view can yield more options.
Thanks, Ray
Well, Ray, you’ve that empathic nature, possibly. I agree with Tristan, great post. Like you, I am the go-to person, or have been and always was, until I put the shingle, ‘Writer on Board’. Now there isn’t much of me to go around, and this may sound terrible, but I really must care about the person that is unbundling their woes on me. If it’s someone that I have the thin connection with I am not inclined to give up several minutes, possibly hours, to hear about their problems. I had a good think about this change in me after reading your post, and arrived at this point, while I am a natural problem solver, it occured to me that I can’t be everything to all people, and being the go-to for life’s woes is, as you say, draining. Some people can suck the life blood right out of you.
I think we make choices about the people we walk on hot coals for, the ones that can call us at 2AM and say, “HELP!”, and without so much as a ‘what the heck’, your out of bed speeding down the motorway to help this person, but the other, Tom, Dick, and Mary, well, like I said, it’s a choice that I hadn’t realized was mine to make.
It’s a good thing, I tell myself, when I am shielding myself from a person’s (that I hardly know) pleas for guidance, and I do hesitate, and give in sometimes, but mostly I try to hold on to the energy for those that are in the hot coal category.
Brenda
Hi Brenda,
You may be right. I learned about empathic listening when I attended one of those Covey courses many years ago, so maybe that lesson stuck.
The closeness of the relationship may effect whether I pick up or let the call go to voicemail, but more so than that is the history that I have with the person. If everyday is “drama day” for the caller, I’m less likely to dive right in. But once a person has my ear, I will give them their due.
There have been people who have gone above and beyond to help me over the years, so I don’t like to say “no” if I am able. The occasions where the advice that is sought is actually followed and the situation turns out well make up for the instances where it’s clear to me that I have wasted my time.
It’s all about balance, right? In all things, including karma.
So what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?
Ray
Sometimes I wish I was the “go-to” person, but mostly I’m not. I think people recognize that there’s too much going on behind the mask I call my face. I am the emotional one. And I’m being very serious when I say that it has been a burden most of my life. The older I get, the better I keep things in, but I’m still feeling them. I guess when we emotional ones, the ones who need to talk, the ones who need someone to listen, feel such relief, almost joy,when we find someone who will really listen and help us sort out the rational from the emotional, we forget, that it may take a toll on the listener. It’s something to keep in mind.
That’s not to say I haven’t lent a shoulder and an ear on occasion, I have. I have helped people in some situations and it can be exhausting, especially if you lend your heart as well. But, I thank the Lord there are people like you who will listen. Thank you.
Thanks for that SurprisedMom,
I appreciate that bit of acknowledgement. I suppose that we all experience what I described — some more often than others. I also know how it feels to be on the other side. Like you, I internalize a lot, but during those times when vulnerability is high and energy is low, I turn to others, like everyone else. But if I get an inkling that the person to whom I am bearing my soul is indifferent, I clam up. I think that that’s why I have come to be a good listener. It’s important for me to know that the concern is genuine.
Ray
Another good listener here … I think it has to do with being an introvert: People come to us because they sense we won’t break their confidence. They sense that we think quietly and long about things that matter. And we do.
And we’re happy to listen to other people, to offer our perspectives. But being introverts, it is exhausting for us to do so. After putting ourselves out there for other people — which we need to do to be balanced individuals, we have to return to our inner space to restore ourselves, to recharge our psychic energies.
I have learned that as much as other people need to talk to me — I need them, too. Since I’m an introvert, I don’t volunteer much of myself, I don’t open myself freely. It’s good for me to have people come to me with questions, struggles, situations, because it makes me come out of myself a little bit, makes me put a little bit of myself out there. It can be draining, but I am grateful for the opportunity — and I’m also grateful that over time I learned when to say No!
Hi Alicia,
Yes, being known as someone who won’t break a confidence is key. Gossips need not apply. In one of my replies I acknowledged that everyone needs someone to confide in, at least from time to time. I’m no different, so the balance you write about is important.
As a fellow introvert, I can say that talking is my least favorite form of communication. The back and forth of a conversation leaves too many ideas dangling. Interruptions and changes of subject which happen in every conversation tend to inhibit the development of thoughts through to their conclusion. For instance, people who know me and read my blog may discover that they don’t know me as well as they may have thought.
Ray
Are you a quiet person? It’s often quiet people that get that sort of response from others; they assume that because you’re not talking all the time that you’ll be a good listener and will want to listen to them. Or do you sometimes just ask ‘how are you’ in a particular tone of voice? That sets ‘em off, too!
I used to be a good listener but my concentration lapses big time these days. I’m not sure if people notice, though, because they do still talk to me like I can solve all their problems. And they seem to feel better for it, which is why I don’t usually mind. My lack of concentration (due to high blood pressure-lowering drugs I’m on) means that I shrug off that sponge-like sensation that I used to get, but yes, I do understand and sympathise – I used to feel very wound up myself afterwards. Personally I think the reason for it is that one’s been treated as a counsellor and not as a person with equal merit. It’s been a one-way thing, not a two way thing. That is very draining.
Hi Val,
Yes, I guess that you could say that I’m a quiet person in some ways. I ask a lot of questions, so that may have something to do with it. As a blogger, you know that we constantly view situations with an eye toward crafting what we see, hear, and feel into a post. So I suppose that my inquisitiveness may cause people to feel comfortable opening up to me.
You’re right, if the person ends up feeling better, I don’t mind either. When the discussion is about a serious problem, I am more patient, but if the issue is flighty, I lose interest very quickly.
Ray