I sometimes cry over television shows and movies.
Admitting this is bad for my street cred, I know, but it’s something that I feel like writing about while my eyes are still moist from this latest experience. The particular show that I was watching is of no importance, only the revelation is.
None of the roles that I play in life are geared toward this type of sentimentality. But roles alone don’t explain it, as I was this way before I became a husband, a dad, or a provider.
Growing up, I was the ‘serious’ one. I thought that it was important to never let them see you sweat long before I had ever heard that expression. Over the years, I’ve gotten so used to appearing to be in control that it’s difficult for me to allow myself to express a lot of emotion.
I doubt that I even can.
The last time that I cried for a real reason was over two years ago at my younger brother’s wake. When we arrived, my family was there already – Mom, two of my three surviving brothers, my sister, cousins, aunts, and other extended family. My wife and daughters held onto my arms as we walked into the viewing room. They were there to support me, but I didn’t see it that way. I had to keep it together for them – like I always do.
But I didn’t.
My brother and I were only 13 months apart. He was always the funny one. Ralph (Rafael) could make you laugh even when you were really pissed off at him. He had that gift. Nearing the coffin, my legs felt numb and I began to shake. Tears flowed.
As I turned away to compose myself, I glimpsed the look on the face of my youngest. She wore an odd expression. Beyond the sadness it looked like she didn’t understand while understanding everything. It was eerie. Instinctively, I lied, and told her that it was okay.
I do that a lot – tell people that things are okay when they’re really not.
It may be what I do best.
Once I’m done having irrational cries over insignificant things, I sometimes think about the times in my life when I should have cried openly, or expressed my anger fervently, or conveyed my love vigorously. Maybe those closest to me would be better off if we shared these things, instead of my hoarding those emotions. They didn’t ask to be shielded. They never told me that I had to be in control. The only person who ever set those rules was me.
I sometimes wonder if I’ve been doing it wrong all along.
Author Bio:
Ray Colon has written 136 posts on Ray's Blog.
He works with numbers for a living, but don't judge - boring accountants need love too. His blog has no niche (unless writing about things that are important to him is a niche). Some folks cringe when he gets “all political” on them, but he does it anyway when he's in that kind of mood. Sometimes, he writes something nice about someone, but you shouldn't get used to that. His first book, the one he hasn't written yet, is not available on Amazon. Subscribe to Ray's Blog via RSS or Email.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I had always been “successful” at controlling my emotions. That changed when I became a mother. Maybe it was the hormones. I don’t know. But now I can cry for just about any reason, good or bad, TV shows included. I’ll admit I’m not always comfortable doing it. There’s something awkward about people assuming you are sad when you are really crying because you are moved by something positive. Good post, though I disagree with one thing you said. “They never told me that I had to be in control. The only person who ever set those rules was me.” Children cry freely, naturally. Someone told you way back that it wasn’t acceptable or made you feel it wasn’t. You might not remember that moment, but I’d bet $10 that it happened at some point.
Hey Margaret,
I like your highlighting of “successful” as controlling our emotions comes with pros and cons. I was emotional at the birth of my daughters, of course, but what men experience as mere witnesses can’t be in the same ballpark. I’m a little surprised to read that your experience resulted in a permanent shift rather than something short-lived, if it was hormonal.
I note your exception and confess to having been told certain things along those lines. The one I remember most is from my Mom who said that men had to be strong in certain situations where women tended to become emotional — Her words, not mine.
She would go on to say, “If she is crying and then he starts crying, who is going to do something?
But in this post, and I probably could have been clearer, the ‘they’ that I was referring to were my wife and daughters, as being the ones who have never asked me to be those things. Ray
Like a lot of women, I’m very good at reading body language, and I reckon your daughter was just reading your hidden emotions. And probably, when you tell them that everything’s okay, they know you’re fibbing! But people get on with things, y’know? It’s not necessary to blow someone else’s emotional cover to let them be themselves… you are just you, however much you do or don’t show of your emotions.
I’ve known a lot of men who’ve got emotional over movies and sad stories. Some start crying and then hide it, some wait until til they think they’re alone (ie, the door isn’t shut so they’re not alone, but they think they are) and then the tears start. Or they do what I think the majority of men do (those I’ve met, anyway) and dive headfirst into a newspaper or something else to try and push their emotions into something impersonal.
So, yeah – I understand.
Hi Val, it’s nice to be understood. Thanks.
So you think that she knew I was fibbing, huh? You’re probably right, children pick up on a lot of things. Still, when they are so little you are afraid for how they will react to situations like that.
Oh, I was definitely alone when I was watching that show. Are you kidding? Alone in the room with the lights turned down. LOL
Ray
Very moving tale. I didn’t cry from the time I was 9 until I was 43, the day I knew my dad was passing on. I grew up during a time when men didn’t cry, especially men in military families. It got me out of a lot of trouble when I was younger, but probably had me holding in a lot of grief that needed to get out as I got older.
I figure that we’re allowed our times when we might be moved by something. Goodness, I wish I could go back to being able to cry during Brian’s Song, but I didn’t; do you remember that movie? Some movies are meant for guys to be allowed to open up; I truly believe that. But there are other times when we might want to, and depending on the circumstance and where we are, we’ll make that determination and live with it.
Good for you in acknowledging your emotions; do what you have to do when you have to do it.
Thank you, Mitch.
I suspect that we grew up during the same times, although I was not in the military. Emotional displays never seemed natural to me even if I’m told that they are. In some ways it’s easier not to reveal oneself, but that reason alone probably doesn’t make it the best option, much of the time.
I have seen Brian’s Song, but the obvious tear-jerker movies don’t always get to me. Sometimes, a scene just happens to remind me of something else.
Ray
I know what you mean; there’s a scene from Forrest Gump & one from Phenomenon that almost got me. And you’re right in saying it feels unnatural as well. I guess it is what it is, eh?
I think that is a natural response to someone in distress. We tell them ‘things will be OK’ even if we haven’t a clue about the next moment. We do this because it relieves the tension of the moment for both the person saying it and the one needing to hear it. I believe this in natural response to a caregiver of any kind. I am not one to control my emotions. I know how to but often they are larger than me and break through my exterior. Over the years, I have sometimes coveted the control gene you have beautifully written about but it’s never a lasting desire. Even when I started out writing, I tried to write from a controlled place but the words were flat on the page so I shed that skin and everything changed. This was a strong post, Ray. (liked the image as well, it fit the write).
Hi Brenda,
That a good explanation. Yes, I agree that it’s a natural response. I also know that what I felt at the time was not unique to me, but it always feels like it is. I’m not as concerned with how adults deal with stress as I am with the children. I know that they are not as fragile as I make them out to be, but knowing this doesn’t stop me from reacting as if they are.
Playing it safe when writing doesn’t work for me either. The results are bland and lifeless when I’ve tried. Working to translate the feelings that make us all human into words yields much better results. At the very least, it feels good to get them out.
Oh, that darn image! I had no idea that it would be that difficult to take a photo of the back of my shoulders — even while using a timer. After 20 tries or so I gave up and settled for adding some effects onto the best of the bunch. I’m glad that you liked the result.
Ray
It made me laugh (the time it took you to take the photo and get it just so). It is always the same for me when I have an idea that seems so easy at first and twelve hours later….. I suspected you were true to your emotions in your words. It shines.
Hello, Ray. I honestly feel sorry for people who suffer from this problem that you describe. It’s definitely a cultural thing though. This is a problem that men face a lot more than women, because men are brought up not to every cry… for any reason. A lot of women will dismiss this as a vulgar display of pride, but a lot of men are simply hard-wired to suppress their emotions.
I was reading recently (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090824141045.htm) about how crying actually serves a purpose, strengthening bonds between couples. At the very least, it’s an interesting point of view to take in.
Personally, I believe that we have emotions for a reason, and that we have processes, such as crying, for a reason. I also believe in being a man, and not crying over everything, but there has to be a balance. It doesn’t make you less of a man to cry from time to time, it just makes you HUman.
Hi Trey,
I’m sorry that your comment got caught up with the spam. I retrieved it because the article that you are promoting is on topic. It is an interesting article, thanks. I suppose that this could be classified as suffering, but I don’t know if I would go that far. I see it more as a concern.
Yes, I agree that our emotions are what make us human, but how and when we express those emotions has to be part of the equation. Speaker Boehner, for instance, is tough to take seriously when he bawls so publicly so often.
Thanks for commenting.
Ray
Hi Ray!
And thank you for dropping by my blog today via Val. And for your kind words.
You are such a sensitive and honest soul.
I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen my husband cry. I know that there have been times when he has probably wanted to, but he can’t seem to let go. Frankly, it makes me feel cut off from him. I often wish he would emote more. I don’t think I would consider him weak. I wonder if opening up the floodgates means he would have to process what brought him there. (He’s not a big fan of figuring out those things either.)
So c’mon. What movie was it? I always cry during Forrest Gump. Every. Time.
Hi Renee,
I was glad to have been led to your blog, and even though I know that you don’t agree, you should make more videos not fewer. Video suits you. I have to remember to write Val a note about her selections because, although I didn’t get to them all, I ended up subscribing to several.
That part about feeling cut off from your husband is the conclusion that I think I was coming to at the end of the post. If something is being kept from you, no matter the reason, feeling left out is a natural response. He probably doesn’t see it that way – I know that I didn’t, so there is slack to be cut here.
Maybe shooting for floodgates is a stretch. Try going for a trickle.
Forrest Gump is great, but that wasn’t it. Ridiculously, it was the finale episode of last season’s The Closer. I’m a big fan of the show, but I hate commercials, so I’ve bought all six seasons. Don’t raise that eyebrow, I said I was a big fan. Anyway, Brenda finally is ready, after years of resistance, to delve into her husband’s dark side with addiction. She holds his hand and asks to be told all of the things that she does not want to hear. There you have it. The unremarkable impetus for this post. Disappointed now, aren’t you?
Ray
Hi Ray,
Holy Moly! This post sure struck a chord with your readers! I was in the middle of reading Promise the Moon when I first read your post so I was already emotional. It was interesting to read how much damage this family was doing being caught in their web of lies pretending everything was ok after losing their husband/father to suicide. They didn’t start to heal until they confronted the elephant in the room and gave themselves permission to feel.
I think I used to be like you. Feeling like sharing emotions was not okay somehow. It’s hard to say when I stopped being this way. Probably when I met my husband. I felt so safe with him that I finally started to let it all out. In the weeks leading up to our wedding I remember him saying that he was surprised that I would describe myself as someone who never cried but he had seen me crying more in the last few weeks than I claimed to have cried in my whole life. In my defense, “the pill” made me a hormonal depressed mess.
I didn’t cry when he proposed and I didn’t cry at our wedding. It didn’t seem necessary. He probably would have cried more than glistening tears wetting his eyes at our wedding if I would have showed any emotion. He likes to tease me about my lack of emotion at our wedding. Over time as I trusted him more and more I decided to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. He never judged me and more importantly, he never told me I should reign it in. I’m a very intense person and I grew up being told to calm down. All the time. Now that I’m away from my family I feel more comfortable showing my human vulnerability. In some ways I’m angry that anyone would stifle their feelings. I have learned that when I allow myself to feel what I am feeling I don’t find myself spiraling into depression.
But I cry at commercials now so what do I know?
Hi Tristan,
Yes, Holy Moly is right! It’s been cool getting this much feedback.
The situation is the book you were reading is much more melodramatic than mine, but I can certainly see the parallels. I don’t want to sound like a self-help guru, but your comment about giving ourselves permission to feel does fit the bill.
I don’t remember ever being told to calm down in that way. It must have felt stifling when that happened to you. It’s good that you are comfortable enough in your relationship to leave the calming down in the past.
Love how you wrapped it up by confessing to crying at commercials. You’ve just made some advertiser very happy.
Ray
Whoah. Another Tristan commented above me. That’s not something you see too often.
I’m a strange crier. It’s not rare for me to shed a tear while watching lame reality TV shows that are designed to tug on the heart strings. But I very rarely cry otherwise. When it does happen, I don’t mind if people see it. It is what it is, and everyone does it.
The part of your post here that stuck out to me was you comforting your daughter and telling her that everything’s ok. Man, that’s tricky. Of course you want to comfort and reassure your daughter and make her feel comfortable; your job as a parent is to protect her. But at the same time, it would probably be best for you if you just let it all out and had a good weep.
There have been times in my life where I’ve tried to bottle or throttle my emotions, whatever they may be. I’ve always regretted that, and it always feels better to be “myself.”
Hi Tristan,
The preceding Tristan is my oldest, truest, sweetest – and many times my only – commenter.
It’s good that you are comfortable with expressing yourself in front of others. I agree that making choices as a parent is tricky — it always is. I do want my children’s perspective to be based in reality. That’s one of the reasons that I took her with me. I know of other parents who will not bring their young children to wakes. But once there, I felt that being reassuring was also important.
I haven’t reached the point of regret. Instead, I was just being contemplative in the way that we all are from time to time about the decisions that have been made along the way.
Thanks for adding your perspective to the conversation.
Ray
Wow Ray! Your timing is uncanny.
I read a blog post/article, Why Men Don’t Cry (http://manofthehouse.com/health/stress-relief/why-men-dont-cry) by Dr. Helen Fisher (http://manofthehouse.com/contributor/dr-helen-fisher) a couple of weeks ago and found it both interesting and informative. Perhaps you will, too.
That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of those in the “XY Club” have experienced a similar revelation. Indeed, I have. In fact, I can remember almost to the day (and I’ve often wondered why that is?) when I had my last good cry. And what a cry it was. The flood gates burst wide open and I was swept away in an emotional tsunami that left absolutely nothing in its wake. When it was over I felt like a littered landscape that had been swept barren; a blank canvas in an art gallery full of like abstracts that had just been scrubbed clean. It was so inexplicably liberating that the particulars, as you stated, were of no importance. Only the revelation was. But that was more than twenty years ago.
Prior to that occasion and on every occasion since, I’ve done what perhaps I’ve been genetically wired/culturally conditioned to do: Think; reason; maintain control …. first. Indeed, I can react and respond, better than I can emote. That too, I suppose, is a revelation.
I’m proud to say, however, that I came dangerously close to the edge a couple of months ago while watching a late-night telecast of West Side Story. I can only wonder what would have happened if it had been followed by Dr. Zhivago?
Take care,
BJ
Hi BJ,
I clicked over and read Dr. Fisher’s article and you were right, I did find it interesting. I would have commented, but magazine sites like that rarely respond, so I didn’t. I don’t know if I would go so far as to reach back through millions of years of evolution to arrive at an explanation, as she did, but I have no qualms with much of the rest of what she had to say. Naturally, a clinical look at this behavior among men from a female perspective is bound to differ from my personal experience.
However, your story resonates with me in that the occasions for this type of experience are rare, intense, and memorable — but not habit forming. I don’t think that I am more likely to react in that way because I have done so in the past. The genetic wiring and cultural conditioning you wrote of are deeply rooted and not easily displaced.
As for tearing up at movies, I think that this remains a more acceptable venue for members of the “XY Club” to express our softer sides.
Great comment, BJ. Thanks!
Ray
Beautiful writing, Ray. You spoke for millions of men with this post, and did so with honesty and eloquence. I’m guessing that your daughter had never seen you cry before, and was trying to process it in her mind. And I’m sorry to hear about your brother.
Thanks, Charles.
You’re right, my daughter hadn’t seen me cry before that day. It’s a lot for a child to process. I have vague memories of a similar experience from my childhood. To never see someone again is a difficult enough concept for adults to grasp. I’m not sure that I’m there yet myself.
Thank you for your expression of sympathy.
Ray
As I age, I find it harder and harder to express emotions, especially sadness through tears. I was always the “emotional one” growing up. I find it very tiring to express emotions now and I don’t know if I have the energy to do it anymore. I’m going through a rough patch and I concentrate all my energy on surviving. Maybe when the rough patch is over, I’ll allow myself to feel more strongly again. I don’t know. Suppressing emotions is a hard habit to break. As for expressing emotions, I think we all do the best we can.
Hi SurprisedMom,
I thought that most folks became more emotionally expressive over time, but I hadn’t considered that aspect of it – how tiring it can be. BJ also mentioned feeling drained in his comment. When things aren’t going well, as with your rough patch, I think we become so focused on overcoming the dilemma that everything else is shelved – including what would be our normal emotional response.
Ray