A big fear that I have – aside from obvious things like being able to provide my family with food, clothing, and shelter – is that no one will miss me when I’m gone.
It’s an inane fear, I think, because when that day comes I’ll probably be unaware of whether I’m thought of constantly, occasionally, or not at all. Still, the uneasy feeling persists.
We all want to leave something memorable behind.
Going through life as an optimist has one major drawback. Believing that tomorrow will be a better day can sustain you through tough times until your tomorrows start to feel like yesterdays. You use your age as an excuse for not starting something new more often than you ever had before. You spend your time looking back instead of ahead, wishing you could alter the unalterable, as another day gives way to night, leaving one more day’s worth of things undone.
I’m not unique in this, I know, but when assessing one’s own life, the perspectives of others don’t count.
Not to worry. Having these thoughts isn’t leading me toward the abyss. They are just reflections of a life half-lived from a guy who has lived his life less boldly than warranted. And why is that?
There is no upside to timidity.
Many of us shy away from opportunities until those opportunities expire.
It’s been a life-long dilemma. Sometimes, I’ve been able to break through shyness, apprehension, and plain old fear to do the things that I wanted to do. Each success should have caused me to be less fretful the next time. That would have made sense, but that’s not what has happened.
People are not sensible creatures.
Each new challenge brought with it the same insecurities that I’ve felt since I was a boy, causing me to battle those fears ferociously just to get to the beginning. The energy expended in this exercise always leaves me wondering if I could have done more if I wasn’t preoccupied in this way.
The shyness that is so adorable in children, should be left behind with other childish things if we are to reach our full potential.
This brings me back to my big fear. There are so many thoughts in my head that I have not allowed out. I cling to them as if they have value only as secrets between me and my Maker, but the opposite is true.
If I love you, I should let you know. If I am angry with you and I don’t say it, how can I blame you if you seem unfazed? Telling the truth, my truth, should never be tempered with cowardice – it loses all credibility.
If fear keeps me from trying the next adventure, taking the next step toward achieving a goal, or saying exactly what’s on my mind no one will ever know what I have to offer. Of course, the things that I offer can be embraced or dismissed by others, but only if I put my thoughts and myself out there.
After fifty-one years on the planet, you’d think that I’d know that already.
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