I’ll never learn.
If I were brave, I’d be writing a very different post.
Type something true, something real, then read it.
“I can’t write that!”
Backspace, backspace, backspace…
There, it’s gone.
Or is it? Of course it’s not. It’s just another thought that I’ve heaped onto the pile of things that I can’t tell you — one more thing to keep me up at night.
I’ll never learn to be myself.
The line between what is my life and what is yours is often blurred. If we both experience something, is it my story to tell or yours? Should you have editorial privilege?
I don’t believe that you should, but still I hesitate.
Coward!
What right do I have to claim to be misunderstood, if I don’t even understand myself?
Let me try again.
I’m wounded. I’ve experience a spate of misfortune that has knocked me from my center. Some of my woes were self-induced while the rest can be attributed to others, life, or plain old happenstance. In the past, I’ve been the type of person who bounces back, but not this time. I’ve retreated to a place where malaise is not a temporary condition but a way of life. There are the unreturned calls from a few dear friends, who worry, the inability to focus on anything – except the trivial, and an indifference towards, well, everything.
The simplest tasks elude me, except for right now. As I type, certain that I will actually be finishing something – anything, I feel a rush of energy that is unfamiliar to me in the recent past.
Remaining unwritten, for today, are the Who, What, Where, When, How, and Why, but I’m okay with that for the moment. Tomorrow, I may feel differently.
Tomorrow, I may be braver.
I don’t know what I’ve accomplished by writing this post, but at least I feel like I’ve done something.
Author Bio:
Ray Colon has written 157 posts on Ray's Blog.
He works with numbers for a living, but don't judge - boring accountants need love too. His blog has no niche (unless writing about things that are important to him is a niche). Some folks cringe when he gets “all political” on them, but he does it anyway when he's in that kind of mood. Sometimes, he writes something nice about someone, but you shouldn't get used to that. His first book, the one he hasn't written yet, is not available on Amazon. Subscribe to Ray's Blog via RSS or Email.
It's true that many have... } – 
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
It is so much more than you realize. The first steps forward after anything biting is exactly that, the first step to the next place you are meant to be. Of course, it’s never that clear when we start out, but as the days pile up behind the first step the road ahead of us lights up. As for you being who you are inside, keep writing.
Hi Brenda,
That’s a good way to put it. One step leads to the next. I’ve already begun to draft my next post. That’s unusual for me, since I’m a just-in-time type of guy.
And as I mentioned to you yesterday, your post provided the spark!
Ray
Hey, Ray. I know exactly how you feel by “at least I feel I’ve done something.” It happens. Hours, days, weeks pass without anything written that feels productive. I guess that’s part of the writing life.
Regarding the first part of your post, when that instinct to delete surfaces, I heed the warning. Especially if I’m in a delicate state. I tend to get it all down on paper while the emotion is high as a form of therapy, but I wait to post until I can edit without excessive emotion. It is the internet after all. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve reread draft posts, written in the heat of the moment, and exclaimed “thank God I didn’t post that.”
Well, I am very glad that you “did something” by writing this post. I look forward to more of your words when you’re feeling up to it. Be well.
Hi Margaret,
We should add months to your list, in my case.
Of course, your are right, but heading the warning is what gets me flummoxed. But as you say, it is the internet, so there should be “some” restraint. Grrr.
Often, for me, it’s not even the emotional component that gets in the way. It’s finding a way to write about the things that are going on in my life without creating villains, if that makes any sense.
Thanks, I think that I may stick around for a while now.
Ray
What you said about “who’s writing you’re story” is resonate and timely here. I think we have a right to feel misunderstood by people we’ve never met, imposing their story about us, on us.
Going through this fog that you’re writing about has been exactly the journey I have taken, groping my way through the dark to arrive at a better understanding of my life.
I still plod, but after years of plodding, I’m resigned to my slow pace.
Keep plodding for as long as it takes.
Hi Elysia,
Yes, a story about us by someone who we do not know would cause a stir, but I was referring more to my story, which of course involves others who I know, and whether I can claim unfettered ownership to it.
In your writing journey, have you ever relayed a story and then been surprised by the reaction of others who may have played a part in it? That situation is what I keep bumping up against when I sit down to write. I’m sure that it’s not an uncommon problem, yet some people seem to have a no holds barred approach to their writing. I wonder how they do it.
Thanks, I will keep plodding for as long as it takes.
Ray
In my case, I stopped being surprised when everyone’s story about me was the same one, but that took years! In my case, I had to conclude that they didn’t really know me, or themselves. For as long as that continues, their stories about me and themselves, will remain the same.
In my case, I struck out completely on my own. Completely. And have been endeavoring to write my own story about my own life.
It IS very difficult for me to write about my day to day stuff. I guess writing it, is facing it.
I suppose it IS brave to go there, and to do that. I write about mythology instead.
In your case, hearing the stories of others about you give you more grist for the mill, and could enrich your relationships in the long term.
Twitter: BloggerFather
July 29, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Before my current blog, I had another blog. It was very personal, putting it all out there–until I couldn’t do it anymore. Between the loss of anonymity, which gave me the ability to be honest, and the fact that writing honestly is so exhausting, I just had to quit. I’m not lying on my current blog, but I’m also not revealing much.
I do miss that, and I feel it’s something I need to do while I no longer have an outlet to do it, but unless I start a new anonymous blog (or write to myself like people have been doing for many years before the Internet), it will all have to wait until I’m ready (if ever).
Hi BF,
Other than a technical blog with tutorials, this is the only blog that I have written. Many of the posts have been on the personal side, and that is the draw for me. I’ve never kept a journal, which, as you mentioned, is an option for that type of writing, because writing to myself has no appeal to me (nor to you, I take it).
Writing honestly IS exhausting. Not so much the writing itself, but the worry. I still think that it’s worth it sometimes, despite the drawbacks.
I’m curious, what did you do with the former blog? Is it still out there somewhere, or did you take it down?
Ray
Twitter: BloggerFather
July 30, 2012 at 10:32 am
The old blog is still around collecting dust. I still think I may come back to it one day. It wasn’t just the anonymity, though. The old blog was a little too random for me, but some of the stuff is great. It started when I was unemployed, and continued through finding a job and creating two kids.
Twitter: peterfaur
July 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Hi, Ray. Not sure what all is going on, but if I can be of help in any way, let me know. Pete
Hi Peter,
Nothing you can do, but I appreciate the comment. I’m okay. Thanks.
Ray
Important to consider that any blogger does not owe a whole group of Internet virtual strangers, an explanation on key details of their personal life. It is very tempting to disclose alot of major stuff, but the downfall is that unless we can observe a person in real life, on a daily basis and come know several other related facets of the blogger, not entirely expressed in their blog, a group of virtual strangers can only listen. As long as a blogger knows this fact….
It’s great that you are blogging and articulating.
By the way, I’m working through Excel..because I must.
Hi Jean,
True enough, no explanations or revelations are owed to the reader, but stories without details are far less interesting to write and read, I think.
Thanks, I have missed blogging and can’t believe that I let the site go dark for so long.
If you ever get stuck while learning Excel, or if something isn’t explained enough in one of the videos, feel free to send me an Email. I’d love to help.
Ray